Artorius Castus

Artorius Editor in Chief Mysteriously Taken Ill

Posted in Uncategorized by Patrick Truax on October 22, 2007

The Editor in Chief of the Artorius Blog was taken Ill on Sunday night under suspicious circumstances. He came down with serious stomach pain in the early evening which got progressively worse as the night wore on. After being seen by a team of physicians on Monday, there was still no clue as to what caused the ailment. Chief of Domestic Security for Artorius is quite suspicious. “A perfectly healthy, 40 year old male comes down with symptoms mirroring those of poisoning-we have to investigate.” He re-iterated that the investigation was in its early stages and cautioned against hysteria and hype. Mr. ***** was moved to a secure facility where technicians discovered a small puncture wound in the back of his left knee. Further tests revealed the presence of radioactivity, which moved the case from a medical to a criminal investigation. The radioactivity was revealed to be caused by what appeared to be Pollonium or an isotpe of the radioactive element.

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artorius investigators debate the source of the poison

Artorius Diplomatic staff were quick to state that while symptoms mirror exactly that of several KGB poisonings in the recent past, there is no reason to suspect the Russians at this time. “While Artorius is quite skeptical of the Russian leadership and has expressed doubts as to their intentions, we have no reason to believe that Putin is retaliating against the Organization,” The Chief Diplomat did acknowledge that an attempt to contact the Putin Government was underway. “We have initiated low level contacts in the last hour with our counterparts in the Politburo, er, Putin government,” she said reading from a terse statement delivered moments ago.

A diplomatic firestorm was ignited several weeks ago When we filed this story. Several dispatches back and forth from the Artorius facility to the Kremlin, were quite heated. “At one point they wouldnt even pick up the dedicated line between Artorius Command and the Kremlin,” said ******** *****, Chief Diplomatic Intelligence officer for Artorius. “And matters werent helped when we filed this story earlier.”

Its true that there appears to be an antagonistic relationship between Artorius and the Russians, but would they really go as far as whacking the Editor?

There is actually some division between the Diplomatic Staff and Intelligence staff over this morning and last nights incident. Artorius has been pretty vocal about the unworthiness of Hillary Clinton’s candidacy. Some of the intelligence folks, especially in the field, wonder if there is any Clinton involvement. “The editor has posted some pretty tough questions for the Senator, and reacted harshly when accused of spying,” said one the internal security folks at Artorius. “Further, the campaign financing scandals that continue to dog the Clintons coupled with long known crimes perpetrated by the Former First Lady has put them on the defensive,” Artorius political watcher *** *******, stated. “The continued corruption and contact Hillary has had with the Russians documented here on an earlier Artorius story, at the very least, opens up a separate avenue of investigation,” he continued.

So who poisoned the editor? “We dont know,” said a spokesman for the secretive organization, “but we’ll go wherever the evidence takes us.”

Meanwhile, Mr. ***** is resting comfortably in an undisclosed and guarded location near [redacted]. Stayed tuned for updates as the story develops.

Artorius Editorial Staff
Pyotr Bromkovsky-Moscow Artorius Bureau

***UPDATE***1515 Local***2015z

Artorius Editor arrives home after Poison scare

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While Artorius Security teams hover overhead

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Security is tight around the compound, and will remain on a war footing until the situation is resolved.

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13 Responses

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  1. Anonymous said, on October 22, 2007 at 7:02 pm

    Fortunately, the methods to counteract the poison has worked well. The Editor is resting and watching NYPD Blue reruns and waiting for Magnum PI. Get well soon!

  2. Patrick Truax said, on October 22, 2007 at 7:55 pm

    Feeling much better after the incident last night. Thanks to all who call and emailed with your prayers. When the investigation is complete, we will issue a statement..

  3. Artorius Internal Security Staff said, on October 22, 2007 at 8:01 pm

    From the Artorius Internal Security Staff: UFN, all of the approaches into the Artorius Coumpound have been sealed off and unauthorized personnel are barred from entering. Further, a No Fly Zone has been enacted within certain distances from the Facilty. Consult FAA.gov for the TFR information. Lastly, all comms in and out of the compound are being monitored. Please adhere to all protocols observed on an unsecured line. Expect further updates to security regulations as the investigation proceeds.

  4. Catty Ax Lady said, on October 22, 2007 at 8:07 pm

    Does this mean I have to fly home in the Pave Low again?

  5. Artorius Trade Department said, on October 22, 2007 at 8:47 pm

    ***UPDATE at 1543 local***2043z***
    The Artorius Trade Delegation Team’s visit to Moscow next week has been postponed and not rescheduled.

  6. Patrick Truax said, on October 22, 2007 at 8:49 pm

    Yes, honey, Internal Security is in charge. And they say UFN you fly to and from work..

  7. axe said, on October 22, 2007 at 9:33 pm

    It appears that the individuals who were previously tasked with poisoning Fidel Castro have retired and are now contractors to that shadowy enemy. Strongly suggest that new miracle drug METAMUCIL be used as an antidote to this latest attack.

  8. Patrick Truax said, on October 22, 2007 at 9:55 pm

    Metamucil drip, and ativan for nerves.

  9. Anonymous said, on October 22, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    Stay out of Fort Marcy Park.

  10. Catty Ax Lady said, on October 23, 2007 at 12:14 am

    Well at least the flight suit fits over my work uniform. It took me a bit longer to get home due to dodging groundfire. Hopefully that won’t be an every day occurrence.

  11. roryb said, on October 23, 2007 at 12:16 am

    I wouldnt put it past the KG..uh, I mean Putin administration to attempt, and then bungle, such a stunt. Artorius allies are ready to assist in any stage of the investigation

  12. Patrick Truax said, on October 23, 2007 at 12:24 am

    We appreciate all the help we can get at this stage..

  13. Elizabeth said, on October 23, 2007 at 5:54 am

    I’m glad to see that your recovering quite nicely.


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